The Temptation of Reid
Other album releases and lyrics by Lard can be seen here.
A fork is a cold shiny tool
To pierce, tear and ingest
Whoever has the fork in hand
Controls the meal of its choice
We're told the first few punctures
They're for our own good
Better carved up in pieces
Than blown up in the oven
Agh! Agh! Agh!
Forkboy
Flies by night on stolen fuel
To Santa Rosa, CA
Opens a fake employment office
"Want a job? Go get me drugs"
People desperate for work
Return to quite a surprise
Busted for intent to sell
Cops pay him a bounty
Forkboy skips town
Agh! Agh! Agh!
We came
We peed
We conquered
You bleed
The choice:Fork Boy Or finger food
Ugly joy
What does it replace?
Why wait when you can eat yourself alive today?
Junk bondage takeover glutton
Ready to bore in
Unfold his rotary blades inside
Pull the guts out and resell them
Buys out his next target
With the last one's pension funds
Thousands more thrown out of work
So Leona won't have to settle for a mint
Forkboy Picked by the FBI
To be the black pied piper
After Dr. King died
Watches soap operas on TV
While 6 billion disappears from HUD
Who are you working for
What did you hope to gain
Why do you hate your past
So much you destroy the ones you love
Forkboy!
Red alert from the Dairy Queen
To Vatican from Panama City
Yeah...Yeah...
Calling Pope John Paul, ole buddy, ole pl
Hey-lemme crash at your place for a while
Yeah...Yeah...
I know I've shot your priests full of holes
But you forgave the guy who shot you
I'm being persecuted, man
Let me in, let me in
Yeah...Yeah...
Voodoo priestesses and interplanetary crack
I shall be released, thanks to my red underwear
Dignity battalions terrify and rule the streets
Pictures of the Smurfs tattooed on the sides of their jeeps
When the mouse that roared
Bites the elephant that feeds
Ringmster cracks
20,000 whips
Yeah...Yeah...
All I did was double-cross the CIA
G.E. and Lockheed do that every day
Yeah... Aw yeah...
The Gringoes siezed all my pottery frogs
And teddy bears dressed in cammo fatigues
The Hitler poster by the Christmas tree
Save me, Tipper
They're blasting Bon Jovi at me
At me
Voodoo priestesses and interplanetary crack
I shall be released, thanks to my red underwear
Sex with boys and girls in my chopper high in the sky
When kinder gentler bombs
Explode in thousand points of light
Cara de Pina-Muere! Muere!
Cara de Pina-Muere! Muere!
Corrupto! Asesino
Asesino!
The Place is surrounded
I can't get away
Even sent the Stealth bomber
Just to prove it'll fly
For Yankee teen anguish
Use Pineapple Face
As American as where Coca Cola got its name
Yeah...Oh yeah...
I promise, monsignor, you can trust me
I'll even goon tour with David Crosby
Yeah...Yeah...
"Forgive me, kids, drugs ruined my life"
I'll even tell 'em condoms make you go blind
Yeah...Yeah...
Bloodthirsty cries of the people outside
Bloodthirsty cries of the people outside
Can't show my face, can't show my face
Can't show my face, or they'll tear it away
Voodoo priestesses and interplanetary crack
Hafta wonder if this guy really exists
Who in their right mind would pose for Time Magazine
Frosted thumb in mouth, slicing his birthday cake with a machete
Ding dong the witch is dead
More warm up in Uncle Sam's bullpen
Cartoon boogeyman to keep people scared
I believe every word 'cos the truth is too weird
Who framed Roger Rabbit
Who framed Khaddafi then blew up his kid
nothing to do now but spill the beans
Florida here I come
Yeah...
Hair by mail
Tit jobs for teens
Go broke appearing rich
Searching for rosebud in the fire
Pop stars fingers in the fans
The therapist you wish you had
Crucifix or lubricant
Government by fad!
Mate! Spawn! and Die!
Mate! Spawn! and Die!
My my my my...
Are those salmon upstream turning red
From shear embarassment
Came all this way up all them ladders
Without checking a map
My the farce be with you
In one corner of the ring
That cherished myth
Falling in love magically solves
Every problem you've ever had
In the other corner
Spooon size shredded dreams
The Gods must be crazy
The movie goers must be crazy
Mate! Spawn! and Die!
Mate! Spawn! and Die!
My my my my...
Wrong worm, hooked again
Mounted on the wall in my own den
I'll talk alone to a firefly
Dial 1-900-Suk-Me-Dry
You can't throw me to the lions
I'm Charlton Heston!
You can't throw me to the lions
I'm Charlton Heston!
Mate! Spawn! and Die!
Mate! Spawn! and Die!
My my my my...
Yippe ti-yi-yi-yo
Ho ho ho ho
Whaat do you really want for Christmas, children?
"...Mmmmm...
Nice place ya got here, darlin'
Sure wish the hot water worked
Gotta rinse my jizz off before mornin'
Or I'll itch for a week-"
Rarp!
Damn! that water's cold
Agh!
Eeee!
Steven Tyler
Of all people once said
"If men bled
Would tampons be free?"
Omi'god, I gottag get goin'
"Now?"
I forgot to feed the cat
Sheets off
Flashlight in your eyes
FREEZE!
Guns in your gut
Strip down
Body search
Cough up
Or stomach pump
To fight the war on drugs
You must give up your rights
You blink, you die
I hate you more than my job
Drug raid at 4 a.m.
Random neighborhood sweeps
Copters break up house parties
Zero tolerance for pot
Easier to get hard stuff
Costs over 3 times more
To keep an addict in jail
Than to treat those trying to quit
But no drug war funds for clinics
NO!
Stop!
Please!
NO!
Drug raid at 4 a.m.
Don't ask me why
But I was walking down the streets
Of Fairfax, California
And I saw this flyer hangin'
On a telephone pole, and it said
CAN GOD FILL TEETH?
For a $10 "donation"
You could see silver fillings turn
To gold and other "supernormal dental happenings."
New caps! Filled cavities! Bring a
Flashlight and a mirror and observe
But wait a minute
Didn't I just read
About how the cops are getting parents
To plant bugging devices
In their kids' teeth
So if they disappear they can track 'em
Before they wind up on the backs of milk cartons
And all that
And didn't I read
That these devices can go two-way
And everything that I do or say
Is all goin' on tape somewhere right now
Planted in my cavities
And they didn't even tell me
no wonder every bad thing
In and out of my mouth
Keeps winding up on my employment record
All those fillings
All those crowns
I'll show them
Who's the boss of my big mouth
Where's the pliars
God dammit! Where's the pliars?!?
Wilma! Where'd you put my electric drill
This is all coming out now-TODAY!
CHORUS
Agh! Agh! Agh!
Agh! Agh! Agh!
Agh! Agh! Agh!
Must be some kind of conspiracy
The whole world's a God damn conspiracy
Look anywhere long enough, you're gonna find a conspiracy
Man, LIFE is a conspiracy!
CHORUS
Needlenose
Up my nose
-Agh!-
Where did all these wires come from?
How far up into my skull do they go
I pull out more and more copper spagetti
How'd my Weekly World News get all w wet?
God damn fishsticks melted again
What are they trying to do to me?
No secrets in the land of the free!
There
no one's gonna tell me what to do
It's worth eating baby food
The rest of my life
To be a free man
Bastards
Probably wouldn't understand me anyway
Here today, gone tomorrow
Don't need my self remembered
But what I help create and leave behind
Is important to me
To dent the comfortably numb
With constructive satire
Make my life one big prank
On a society I hate
all that we are when we're on a stage
Is Vaudeville jester for a day
As an old proverb sys
"If every fool wore a crown, we should all be king"
My license to make fun of everyone
Comes from knowing the biggest joke of all
Read a heaadline the other day
Clown dies from a pie in the face
Can't be on stage all the time
The public image could swallow my life
Living up to your own myth's no fun
Drives our best talents nuts
Bozo skeleton
Bozo skeleton
Bozo skeleton
Where can I go to be me?
Washington Stepford wives
Think we'd be Stepford children
If they could do away
With the music we love the most
Lyrics warp your children's minds
Just a minute now, that's our job
Your worst enemy's your own kids
Don't talk with them, buy our lies instead
Don't wanna hear Lee Atwater sing the blues
Got a right to sing my way too
Gagging those who tell it like it is
Won't make the problems go way
C'mon get the skeletons out of the closet
We're all clowns in one form or another
If we weren't hung up minding people's private lives
We might not be so afraid of ourselves
All kinds of drugs get fed into our heads
Who are you to legislate what's best
Never heard my music or read all the words
Is it my heart they want to ban
Bozo skeleton
Bozo skeleton
Bozo skeleton
Where can I go to be me?
Sylvestre Matuschka
Sylvestre Matuschka
Sylvestre Matuschka
One more
Buried nugget
Of the dark history
Of the darkest side of man
Austria, 1931
Hungarian hero-World War I
Businessman
Family man
"Idealist? Or just plain mad?"
To him, life must be a smash
He blew up trestles and railroad tracks
So he could masturbate
While watching trains wreck
It's a message from God
It's a message from God
It's a message from God
It is my duty
Dynamite
End of the line
Screeching metal
Injured cries
Bombs explode
Up through my spine
I squeeze
I pump
I...spray!
Six years, Vienna jail
Shipped to Hungary, then in World War II
Released, 'cos the army needs
Experts for demolition teams
Som sy that's how he died
Was he in Korea? No one knows
Have any trains wiped out
Near a nursing home in your town?
It is a message from God
Those with eyes shall see
Those with ears shall hear
A prophecy
To the enemy
The world shall belong
To the children
I've done my duty
So all you sexually totalitarian born-again
And blue-nosey horney toads
Remember this:
No matter how many books you bn
No matter how many records you burn
The seeds of fertile fetishes
Are planted at an early age
And some where out there
Some one amongst you
May at this very moment LUST
For derailing trains
I am your religion
I am your shotgun mechanical bride
nothing is done without my approval
I own you
I decide how long you sleep
And how much rest
You are ever allowed
I decide what you desire
I deny you time to think
I am the mirror of constant humiliation
That follows and shadows you
Wherever you go
And blocks out the light
At the end of every tunnel yo try
Be on time
Be on schedule
Always feel
Like you're always late
And need more scolding and punishment
Do not daydream
Do not dilly-dally
Do not fall behind
Wings are flapping right behind you
You know what's coming next
As I swoop down like a hungry owl
And sink my talons into your back
And drag you back to square one again
The pain gets a little worse every time
Crash
Crumple
Do not pass go
Do not collect
Your dignity and your self respect
Give up
It's over
Now time allowed
To try something you like
The bills were all due yesterday
You've failed
You're through
First we form our habits, then they form us
We dress up as someone else every day
Gingerbread houses
Fireplace surprises
What tastes the best
The witches won't let you have
These days, having a baby
Is like what having a BMW used to be
While they're asleep
Play those New Age cssettes
To transmit subliminal messages
I like Mom
I like school
I like to study
I like rules
I am the school teacher
Who yelled at you for not paying attention
And shame you in front of the entire class
And dragged you around the room by the hair
This is what happens to boys and girls
Whose penmanship is messy
Be neat, like the others
Follow orders
Obey what is put in front of you
Imagination is the ultimate sin
You can't be creative the rest of your life
Your counselor wants a word with you
If you liked school, you'll love work
Resign yourself to a job you'll hate
Get a hobby-but keep it in the garage
Shove yourself into a slot
Despise your ides
Despise your ideas
Your boss knows best
We can't all do what we want to do
Always settle for what you're told to expect
Do not take chances
You might fail
You might fail
You don't want to find out the hard way
How our society treats
The misfits who make mistakes
Bad
Failure
Bad
Failure
Homeless
Depression
Mental hospitals
Murder
Born on the cutting room floor
Die in the bin by the door
Hypothermia of the spirit
Why do people chase
So many useless toys
In search of the perfect baby sitter
"For just $19.95 and just thirteen minutes of your busy day,
You can have the full, rich experience of of parenthood
Without the mess of the real thing. It's called `Video Baby.'
Creative Programming, Inc., offer all of the enjoyment-
And none of the commitment."
I am your calendar
There is no escape
I am why you're afraid
To respect yourself
I led you down garden path after path
With carrots on a stick
I'll let you taste but never embrace
Peek in the wrong door, I slam it on your fingers
Go back
Adventure is not allowed
Go back-not allowed!
I leave you exhausted, henpecked and afraid
Never quite enough money
Never enough nerve
To reach out for something better
Than the grind you call your life
The hatch of your hamster cage is open
But guess who waits just outside the door
Stay on your treadmill
Keep running on that wire wheel
Briefcase in hand
Money rains down just out of reach
You'll burn out soon enough
It's all part of the plan
When you're no longer useful
You can finally retire
To the glue factory of your choice
Free at last
To scratch your head
Wondering what happened
Free at last
I bid you goodbye
On your own
To wait to die